Every day for the past eight years I have lied to my father.  I don't like lying, but because of chronic stress, it has become a habit and a means of self-preservation.  My father is a Muslim and forces me to be one too.  Every night he lectures my brothers and I about Islam for two hours.  He has drilled into us that if we are not Muslim we cannot live in his house and he will feel as though he has failed as a father.  Also, anyone who leaves Islam is considered an apostate and subject to the death penalty.

My father is a good man. When I was younger, he and I went for walks, road bikes, played soccer, and fished.  He is honest and works hard to provide for my family. However, he is also short tempered and often threatened a stick to my behind as punishment.  As I grew older, he worked more and became more religious; consequently, he and I did less together. 

I remember how apprehensive I was as my 9th birthday approached.  My aunties convinced my father I should quit ballet.  I loved ballet and was the top in my class and it really upset me that I had to quit because of their beliefs.  Now that I was about to turn 9, I worried that they would force me to wear hijab like they did.  In fact, one of my gifts was a beautiful new scarf.  Fortunately, they decided it should be my choice and I was not forced though, the pressure and strong 'hints' over the years continued.

When I was ten, my father traveled to Saudi Arabia to perform hajj, the Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca.  While he was gone, I made a decision to become a Christian.  When I gave my heart to Jesus, I felt so 'light' and wonderful!  I was so happy!  However, because I was so young and fearful, I decided not to tell my father of my new beliefs ... and that is when all the lying began.

Every day when he would come home, he would ask me if I had done the afternoon prayers and I would say yes, even though I had not. When there were important Islamic functions at the mosque, I would make excuses to keep from attending.  During the Islamic month of fasting, I would sneak food and drink into my room.

Secretly, I read my Bible in my closet at night so he would not see me or my bedroom light on. But one time, I accidentally left my pocket Bible on top of my school books near the front door and I had to make up a quick excuse.  For the most part I could not attend church, but one night there was a special speaker I really wanted to hear at my friend's church.  So, when she invited me to attend, I told my father she had invited me to spend the night and that even though it was a Sunday night, her family was not going to church. It seems weird that I had to sneak out of my house to go to church. However, for the most part, the Lord taught me directly from the Bible and I grew to love Him more and more.

Because my mother is a Christian and would not teach me about Islam, my father decided I should attend madressa classes.  So, I began going to a woman's house with other Muslim children to learn the Quran.  The women took pity on me because of my Christian mother.  They taught me the correct way to wear hijab, etc.  But I had a hard time learning Arabic.  I just didn't want to because I really didn't want to read the Quran.  Eventually, the classes ended and my father resumed his efforts to teach me.

Meanwhile, I continued reading my Bible and listening to Christian radio secretely and my faith grew.  I would listen to the Islamic teaching and know that it was not right.  Howver, I never dared to openly cross my father.  Any time any of us children questioned Islam or didn't have the right attitude about it, he became irate so I was careful to keep my opinions to myself.

Unfortunately, lying continued to be my way of surviving within my father's house. I was truly under a lot of stress, fearing both physical harm and being kicked out of my home. I haven't liked lying and know that the Bible teaches us to be truthful but I didn't know any other way to withstand my father's strong faith in Islam.

So far I have been able to maintain my focus at work and school.  Basically, I see my education as my ticket away from my father's control so I try to concentrate on that.

As I have entered adulthood, I find myself exhausted from the continual pressure to be something I am not.  I have plans to continue my education away from any Islamic influence later this year by moving out of state.  I just want to be able to worship Jesus openly and study His Word with other believers.  I don't want anyone asking me if I did my Islamic prayers or making me listen to hours of Islamic teaching or making me wear hijab.  I just want to be free to worship and follow Christ.

  Sannah